One of the Worst Mistakes in Drafting a B2B Sales Prospecting Email

I received this B2B sales prospecting email in my inbox some months back – the name and company have been blurred so as not to embarrass the guilty party:

bad-email

“What’s wrong with this email?” you might ask. Lots of things, in my opinion. But the worst foul of all? The way the email is written, it’s all about her.

In this email, there are 10 first-person pronouns (I, me, my, our, we, us). If you tack on her company name and her own name, then we’re at a total of 13 self-mentions. All the while, there are only a few second-person pronouns (you, your). My concerns are barely addresses.
Here’s the thing: Sales prospects don’t care much about us as sellers really. They care about themselves. So when you’re writing an email, focus on their needs. It’s completely irrelevant to mention things that you want. What’s important to them should be the most important thing.

Here’s a decent guideline. When you’re crafting an email, aim for a ratio of 2 second-person pronouns for every 3 first-person pronoun you use.

Meet us at Dreamforce in October:

Dreamforce 2014

Garrett Hollander

Garrett Hollander

Director, Content Strategy at Red Base Interactive
Garrett Hollander serves as the Director of Content Strategy for Red Base Interactive. In that role, he serves the B2B sales and marketing community with premium content, posts, and ideas around various topics related to B2B sales.
Garrett Hollander
Garrett Hollander